The Princess and the Corn Cob

 Once upon a time in the pint-sized country of Insignifica, there lived an insufferable slob of a prince named Pitifullo, who declared to his mamá and papá that he desired to wed.

“However, she must be a princess, well bred, like moi” he said, making a half-hearted effort to look noble.

“But of course,” said the queen, wondering if there was a maiden she could bribe. She began mentally listing the parents she knew, aching to be rid of their aging, unmarried daughters.

“Mamá, I do wish you would give me your full attention,” whined Pitifullo. “What do you think of the idea?”

“Oh dahling, I would hate to lose you and your very expensive habits, but as you just turned forty, I agree, it’s time for you to go …out into the world and find a suitable mate.”

“Bride, Mother, not mate. You sound as if I were a cave man.”

“That, my son,” Mamá said, “is a clever analogy. When did you last bathe in the river? And I mean totally submerged, with your sponge.”

“Piffle, Mamá, I don’t remember. My cologne is effective, is it not?”

“If you want to smell like a lavender sewer,” said his father, the King, entering the room. “Before you leave on this quest, my boy, I’d advise you to take the plunge—and by that, I mean the river.

Finally, after weeks of preparation, Prince Pitifullo departed to scour the neighboring countryside for a full-fledged, pure-bred princess.

Whistling, tunelessly, as his trusty steed, Rancor, slowed to a plod, the prince fantasized. He pictured a fair maiden with flaxen hair cascading down her back, eyes the color of… peas, (he had a thing for green eyes), and skin as soft as… what? Pudding? No, that sounds…mushy. Silk! Yes, that’s the word. Oh, and also soft as … the voice of an angel. Yes, Excellent! That’s what he would say to her, that she had… yes, indeed.

The dedicated prince visited many kingdoms and scrutinized many princesses, but found them, without exception, rather snooty, with their turned-up noses. (having noticed that he hadn’t “been to the river.”)

Tired and disgusted with the poor choices available, Pitifullo returned home.

~ ~ ~

Outside one of the towns the prince had bypassed, lived a middle-aged princess named Pearl Luster, nicknamed PL by her father, the King, before he died. Unfortunately, he gambled away their wealth and she had to leave the palace and move to a farm in the country. Actually, she found that she rather liked it. But the village folk said, “a princess? in a pig’s eye! No self- respecting princess would stay out in the sun, so long. Why, she looks like a farmer!” PL had to laugh. After all, she was.

Pearl Luster was a semi-pretty maiden, and full-blooded nobility. However, she was always tired from working dawn to dusk, and had gotten a bit rough around the edges, with all the farm chores and no help. She had become… sturdy.

One day, she heard about the Prince’s abandoned search, and deciding she had nothing to lose, rode her pony over to his palace and knocked on the door. When the butler opened it, he stared, aghast, at the sight before him. A rather unclean, sturdy female with wind-blown, short, auburn hair, looked up at him with big, green eyes.

The butler’s nose began to lift in disdain until she looked at him boldly, and said, “I am Princess Pearl Luster, from the county of Titterton, and I have come to see the Prince. As the man stood there, uncertain what to do, the Queen approached, and said, “What is this? Who are you and what do you want?”

“She is a Princess and wants to see the Prince,” muttered the butler.

PL repeated her request, and the Queen laughed, dismissively. “You are no princess. Be gone with you.”

“Your Highness, I will take any test you choose to give me. I would appreciate, however, your permission to stay the night, as I am tired. But first, I must hie myself to the river for a bath.”

Conundrum! On the one hand, the Queen doubted seriously that she was a princess, BUT, on the other, the creature bathed! Well, regardless, she would definitely test this woman. While the “princess” was at the river, the Queen thought of various situations that would find her out.  Finally, a wickedly clever idea came to her and she cackled, anticipating a great exposé. Scurrying around, purposefully, she readied the visitor’s bedroom with a slew of feather mattresses piled one upon the other, until they almost reached the ceiling. And, on the very bottom one, lay a single, tiny, green pea. Any princess worth her salt would feel it and sleep fitfully, if at all. But, an imposter? Well.

PL, being middle aged, and beginning to go through the “change,” didn’t sleep well in the best of circumstances, what with “the hot flashes,” don’tcha know. So, naturally she tossed and turned, fanning herself with the hem of her nightie, and getting a little altitude sickness, from being up so high.

All those mattresses were a bit strange, she thought. It was the devil climbing up, and she wasn’t looking forward to getting down, either. And then, there was something underneath that was killing her back, which was the last thing she needed. All told, it was a miserable night.

The next morning, the Queen, ready to pounce, asked the “princess” how she had slept.

 “Oh, your Highness, it was terrible. It felt like a corn cob was under my mattress and it kept me awake all night!” No need to mention “the flashes.”

The Queen stared at her. A corn cob! This person must certainly be royalty if a tiny green pea had felt that large under all those mattresses. And then, suddenly, the Queen sniffed, several times, and her face lit up with a smile. Pearl Luster looked and smelled… clean.

“My dear,” she said, taking her arm, “come with me and let me introduce you to my son.”