The Blackness of Finality

The sky was dark, forecasting rain.

A muffled sob broke the silence as Maureen watched her son, Evan, barely fifteen, being lowered into the ground. The voice of the minister droned on. Sadness and loss were reflected in the faces of the family except…. for Evan’s younger brother, Max. His face was white and sweaty. He looked like he would be sick any minute.

There was a crash of thunder; lightning flashed across the darkening sky. The heavens opened, pounding on the canopy, drowning out the minister’s words; he waited to continue…The rain slowed to a drizzle…”Dust to dust….”

Max ran out into the rain and retched. His father, who’d been watching him, followed and handed him a handkerchief, steering him over to their car, out of the rain. Max sat, slumped, not looking at his dad. Neither spoke, waiting for the other to begin.

“Something you want to tell me?” his father finally asked.

Max’s eyes began to tear; “I’ve told you, Dad. Evan choked on a walnut. It got lodged in  his throat. I pounded and pounded him on the back, but I couldn’t dislodge it. Mom wasn’t home, and ….and….I didn’t know what to do.”

Dad frowned. “Why didn’t you call me?”

“What good would that have done?” Max hollered. “It’s be too late by the time you got home!” And he broke down and sobbed. “He just…stopped …. breathing …. and I….couldn’t ….save him. It was my fault…my fault.”

“Look at me,” Dad said. “It wasn’t your fault. You tried your best. Max, look at me! And don’t ever forget what I’m going to say. I do not want you feeling guilt for the rest of your  life. Your Mom and I love you, and we’ll always remember that you tried to save your brother.” He reached over and pulled Max into a hug.

The rain had stopped. Trees dripped on their heads as they walked back to join their family. They were saying the Lord’s Prayer. Max and his father prayed with them.

A low rumble of thunder could be heard in the distance as Max’s Mom put her arm around his shoulder and they walked with their relatives, out to their cars.

Refreshments were served back at their house. Max went to his room to change clothes, then went outside, called Frisky, his dog, and went for a walk around the neighborhood.

It was one of those times after a rain when everything looked washed clean, colors bright as  technicolor; the grass greener, sky, bluer. Still, Max felt depleted— lonely, sad, miserable.

The loud blast of a train passing through town startled him, clickety-clacking its way to who knew where.

Max wished he was on it.

He wished he hadn’t hated his brother.