Frank and Horace

Ida Mae answers the door. “Well, look who’s here, Frank! Hello, hello, you two. Come in and take a load off.”

Frank looks at Horace. “Who in Sam Hill?”

Horace says, “I’m not Sam Hill, you old coot!”

Ida Mae pulls Frank beside her as their guests stumble in with their bags. “It’s Mags and Horace; remember? I told ya.”

“No, ya didn’t.”

“Yeah, I did.”

Mags starts laughing, looking at Frank and Horace. “You two should have a TV show called Nuts R Us. You wouldn’t even have to memorize lines, just be your normal selves.

Ida Mae says, “Frank, git ther bags, please, hon, and put ‘em in the guest room.”

“In tha what?”

“Tha otha bedroom, Frank—the bags, wouldja take ’em, please?”

“Well, ya don’t have to yell”

She leans closer to him. “Sorry. Can you say hi or something?”

“Hi,” Frank says.

Mags and Horace say, “Hi”, and Frank doesn’t move.

Ida Mae nudges him. “Bags, Frank, the bags.

“Yall come sit down and let me get you something ta drink,” Ida Mae says. “Ice tea? Beer? Coke?”

Horace, moving to sit down, says, Beer, please, and I’d like to watch the game. You got a TV?”

Frank says, “Course we got a TV, what’dja think!” He picks up the bags and storms off.

Ida Mae has beers for everybody; they sit down. When Frank sits in his chair, she sits on the arm and says, softly, “Hon, calm down. I know you remember Horace and Mags, our good friends who lived here and moved away a little over a year ago. I invited them here for your birthday, and…”

“My birthday? When’s that?”

Mags speaks up. “In two days, Frank, and we came to help ya celebrate.”

Horace’s memory has kicked in. “Yeah, ya old coot!” he says, with a big grin.

Frank stares at Horace and all of a sudden, break through! “Well, I’ll be, Horace, damned if it isn’t! glad to see ya! So, yer gonna be here for my birthday, huh?”

Horace laughs, relieved, “Les ya kick me out. Wouldn’t miss this one.”

“Why? What’s this one? I don’t keep up with ’em.”

Now that Horace is “with it,” he’s suddenly Chatty Kathy. “Hey, Come on, Frank, buddy. In two days you’ll be a quarter of a century—the big 75. Ain’t that a corker?”

“Holy Cow! No wonder I don’t keep up with ’em.”

Ida Mae says, “Frank, why don’t you go show Horace your plants and ….?’

“Why’d I wanta show ‘im my pants? What’s gotten inta you, Ida?”

Horace starts laughing, grabs Frank’s arm, and pulls him outside.

They walk along, looking at Frank’s vegetable garden of tomatoes, green beans, squash, lettuce, Chili peppers.

“Looks good enough to eat,” Horace says.

“Thanks,” Frank says. “Take some home when yall leave.” Next, Frank shows him his hibiscus, Esperanza, bougainvillea, which are in full bloom.

“You got a green thumb,” Horace says with his back to Frank.

What? Have I seen my thumb? Yeah, why?”

“Said it’s green, dummy. Payin you a compliment.”

“Oh. Thanks.”

Pretty soon, they’re called in to supper, during which Ida Mae tells Frank and Horace that a friend of hers called and said there was bingo over at the community center and she and Mags figured they’d go if the guys were gonna watch football.”

Frank says, “Sounds like a plan.”

“Yep. Sounds good,” agrees Horace.

Later…

“This is the life,” Horace says, stretched out on the sofa.

Frank’s over in an arm chair. He sits up and stares at Horace. ”Miss my wife? Why’d you ask a dumb question like that?”

Horace chuckles. “Frank, you ever thought about gittin a hearin’ aid?”

“I have not! Have you?”

“Nope.”

“Okay, then.”