Eavesdropping

My name is Ben Abernathy and this is my story.

One afternoon my cane and I were taking our afternoon constitutional. Walking past the tall hedge by the park, I heard, from the other side, “I know you’re in there, and you know I know you’re in there, because I put you in there!”

Land sakes! Was she talking to a child? Where had she put the poor thing?  In the hedge? I bent over to see if I could see anything but it was too thick. My curiosity was up, however, so I waited to see what transpired.

“You better show yourself before I lose my temper!”

Mercy! I think she’s already lost it. Could this be a nanny somebody entrusted their child to? Somebody was hiding from her and definitely didn’t want to be found. I can’t say I blamed whoever it was. The old biddy was not a happy camper, as my grandson would say. Then, two things occurred to me: maybe it wasn’t a child, she could be talking to a pet of some kind, and/or… she was off her nut.

“If you don’t show yourself by the time I count three, I’m …well, I’ll just have to replace you! One…two…”

Couldn’t be a pet.  They don’t know about numbers.  Who talks to a child that way? Replace?

“… three!

Silence….

I was getting ready to shout, “Madame, cease and desist,” when…

“I get so mad when this happens, I could just...”

Just what? Oh, dear! I raced (joke) around to the opening in the hedge and ran (’nother one) up to the woman all set to save whomever she was admonishing so vigorously.  “Now see here!” I blustered, smoke practically shootin’ out my ears.

Suddenly, her face brightened. “There you are, you little dickens,” she said, triumphantly. And arm deep in the bowels of her cavernous purse, she pulls out her lipstick and proceeds to apply it.

Red faced, all I could do was say, “Oh. I thought…you were… So sorry,” and hurry away, to mind my own business. Dang woman; my blood pressure was probably through the roof. On second thought, I was not only embarrassed, I had this urge to get her back!

Retracing my steps, I stopped by the hedge. “Calling all crazy ladies.  Yoohoo! Calling all loony-tunes,” I yell.  “Come out, come out where ever you are.  I wonder if she’s gone… OW! WHAT IN THE… OW! STOP!...What have you got in that thing, bricks?”

“Who you callin’ crazy, you old coot? Go on home before I loony-tunes you!”

I stumbled away from her and kept going. Whew! That is one tough crazy lady. Good goin, Ben.  You gotta pick on an old biddy with the world’s heaviest purse. When I got home I took a long, hot shower and I had to chuckle, thinking back on the day.

Next morning, I felt much better.  You might even say a bit frisky.  I began my walk with high hopes for a pleasant outing. As I passed the hedge, I heard, “So it’s a deal.  Behind the bank at 1:00AM. Axel’s gonna have the chevy waitin’ and…”

I stopped. Had they heard my cane? I held it up and shuffled on.  Suddenly two guys were over the hedge and on either side of me. “Hey, Pops. How long you been back here?”

I looked at them and pointed to my ears and shrugged.

One guy checked my ears. “You ain’t got no hearin’aid. I made a questioning face and shrugged again.

“Well, long as we gotchu here, let’s see whats in yo pockets. OW! OW! WHAT THUH ?”

It was Crazy Lady! She’d snuck up behind them and was giving them what for!  Holy mackerel, she’s a one woman army! But she was only one, so I swung my cane as hard as I could against one of ‘em’s shin, almost losin’ my balance. Then I tripped the other one and, to make a long amazin’ story short, we incapacitated them with their own belts.

A passerby had apparently called the police, thank goodness! After we explained what happened, I bowed to the lady, best I could, thanked her profusely and offered her my arm.  Turned out she used to be in the army; taught self-defense. Also turned out she was dyin’ for a hamburger and chocolate milkshake.

Sounded good to me.