ASHTRAY

The Words That Got to Me

A powerful and deeply affecting poem. Your characterisation of the man worked well- brooding scowl; straddled her prone body; smirked. The alliteration worked well: ‘perilous path’, ‘virulent violence’ and ‘minuscule misstep’ in particular.

Suggestions / Possible Tweaks

‘He slapped her with meeting the floor force’ didn’t quite make sense to me. Perhaps ‘He slapped her and she met the floor with full force’ would work better?

The Words That Got to Me

“tip-toeing carefully / around his mood” “the virulent violence / hovering on the horizon” “Anything, / any minuscule misstep / would be a mistake.” These lines capture the reality and psychology of living with an abusive person. They effectively convey the constant anticipation and fear of the next event. In themselves, they are even more effective than a description of the violence itself.

Suggestions / Possible Tweaks

The main thing I came away with was in places the language flickered between the childlike images of a 12-year-old and the more abstract, formal language of an adult—virulent violence, least perilous path, minuscule misstep. The poem may be stronger if you stuck to the simpler language implicit in the memories of a 12-year-old child. Also, this line likely needs correcting: “He slapped her with meeting the floor force.” This reads like a grammatical error. It might be intended to mean: “He slapped her with enough force to meet the floor” or “He slapped her and she hit the floor” At the moment, it interrupts the flow because the reader has to stop and work out what it means. Finally, especially in free form poetry, line length sets the pace. By shortening lines you increase the impact and urgency so perhaps a slight change in structure during the attack could be something like. He slapped her. She hit the floor. He straddled her prone body, smirked, and ground his cigarette into her swelling cheek.

The Words That Got to Me

meeting the floor force. *So much conveyed in just four short words. Her scream softened into a whimper. *This one just gutted me

The Words That Got to Me

The opening immediately pulled me in. “A cigarette dangled from his lips as he entered the room.” Right away you can feel the tension in the space before anything even happens. I also thought this moment was incredibly powerful: “She knew tip-toeing carefully around his mood was the least perilous path.” That line hit me hard because it captures something very real. Anyone who has ever had to read the emotional weather in a room will understand that instinct immediately. The final image is also incredibly strong and difficult to shake: “smirked and ground his cigarette into her swelling cheek.” It’s written with restraint, but that restraint actually makes the moment land even harder.

Suggestions / Possible Tweaks

One place where I stumbled slightly while reading was: “He slapped her with meeting the floor force.” I understand the impact you’re going for here, but the phrasing felt a little tangled compared to the otherwise very sharp and clear imagery in the poem. You might consider something that keeps the same abrupt rhythm while clarifying the moment slightly, such as: “He slapped her and she met the floor hard.” or “He slapped her and she struck the floor.” Just possibilities of course. The moment itself is very powerful, so even a small shift in phrasing could let that impact land even more clearly for the reader. You don’t have to take my suggestions either, your poem hits in all the right places regaurdless.