Charlie, You Rascal

“What do you mean, it’s stuck?!”

“Well, Hon, it, er, got itself in a, um, predicament.”

Charlie has that look husbands get when they don’t want you to know the whole truth until it’s too late. “It? What it? What is it?”

“You’ll see. Come on. I, need your help.”

Vagueness is a staple with Charlie. I think he really gets a kick out of it—thinks it’s mysterious.

“My help? With what?” I’m already beginning to get that “I don’t think so” feelin’ which usually turns out to be right.

“Um…”

Um. He’s stallin’. “Charlie, last time you needed my help, you had me under your truck working on the axle. And my dern back hurt for days afterwards, not to mention, it’s not easy getting’ grease out from under your fingernails."

“Yeah, and you did a great job, too. But this is different.”

I bet it is. “How different?”

“It’s not my truck.”

He’s draggin’ this thing out. It must be somethin’ he knows I won’t wanta do. “What is it, then?”

“A um, bird.”

“A ‘um’ bird, huh?” What kind of bird is that?  Just kiddin, you, hon, but seriously, where is it?”

“It’s stuck in, um, a trap.”

“The one you set for that coyote?!” Poor little fella.

“‘Fraid so.”

Here comes the clincher. “How’m I s’pose to help?”

“I need you ta hold’ im.”

All this fuss over a little bird. Prob’ly a quail or guinea hen. “A little bird? Like a quail? Sure, I’ll hold him. You be gentle, now.”

“Right. It’s just through these trees.”

There’s some kind of vine with thorns on it, catchin’ in my hair and my clothes. “How much further, Charlie? I’m getting’ all scratched up.”

“Not far. Almost there.”

Not too soon for me. “Okay, I…what in the world?! Charlie Foster, if you think I’m gonna hold that thing, you are plumb out of your mind! How dare you drag me out here through sticker bushes for a crazy thing like this! I’m goin’ home. You can leave him in it for all I care.”

“Mona, jes hold ‘im from behind, and keep ‘im still, while I unspring the trap. We’ll have ‘im out in a jiffy.”

“What if he turns that big old ugly head of his and… and look at those big old wings, he could flap me to death. No way, Charlie!”

“That’s why I brought this here towel, I thought of that. Now, jes hold it out in both hands and when you grab ‘im from behind, wrap it around ‘im. That way you pin ‘is wings down”

“Yeah, but not his head. Charlie, I don’t wanta do this.”

“Come on, Mona, if it’s flappin’ all around, I can’t get to the spring.”

I gotta think of something; fast. “Tell you what.”

“What?”

“If I do this, I want a new stove! That old thing was your mother’s. It’s on its last leg and …”

“Okay. Okay.  Now, here’s the towel.”

“That’s my good monogrammed towel we got for a weddin’ present, Charlie, I’m not gonna…”

“Mona, for Pete’s sake, jes grab ‘im!”

“Well, you keep his attention offa me, and on you, and then say “go” when you’re ready. Oh, Lawsy Mercy.”

“Right. Okay old man, now you look at me…look this way… “okay, go!”

“Got him! Oh! Oh! He’s strong, and he’s making a horrible sound. Hurry! Oh, boy! He smells! Hurry! OW! He pecked my arm! I’m lettin’ go!”

“Okay, he’s loose!”

“Well, I should hope so. Whew! That was awful! Hey, Charlie, look at ‘im.  He looks jes like your pa, hobblin’ like that. he he.”

“He does, don’t he, Mona? ha ha ha, I wish I had a picture of you holdin’ that vulture. I’d frame it and hang it on the wall! ho ho ho. You shoulda seen your face.  Eyes, big a saucers, your nose and mouth all screwed up, but you held on good!”

Yeah, well, you can bet I’m not ever doin’ that again! I’m goin’ back in the house and take a nice, long, hot, get-rid-of-the-vulture-smell bath and afterwards, I think I’ll jes sit myself down and look in that new appliance magazine for a new stove.

“Aw, shoot, Mona, what’cha need a new stove for?”

“A surprise.”

“A what? Have you gone and got all cocky ‘cause you held that old stinky buzzard?”

“Bye, Charlie. I’ll see you after ‘while.”

                                                 ~ ~ ~

Oh boy, does this hot water feel good. I haven’t had a bubble bath in I don’t know when. Can’t wait to smell all nice and clean.  Ummm, that does smell good. I think I’ll jes lie back for a minute and rest my eyes….

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!

“Oh! Is that you, Charlie?”

He opens the door. “Who’d you think it was, woman? Look at you, all shriveled up like a prune. How long you been in that tub? Come on outa there and get dressed. I wanta show you something.”

“You already showed me somethin’. I don’t think I can take another one of your surprises.”

“Yeah, ya can. This is a good un. Come on, now. Shake a leg.”

What in the world has the old coot got in mind now? That man can jump from one crazy idea to another faster than his brother married and divorced his five wives. I was all ready to curl up in my chair with that catalogue. 

Drying herself, she saw her image in the mirror and had to laugh. She was all shriveled up like a prune. She couldn’t imagine what he wanted to show her, but she got dressed and ran the brush through her hair. “Okay, guess I’ll go see what he wants me to see.”

“We goin’ somewhere in the car, Charlie? I didn’t dress for going out anywhere.”

“Yep. Hop in. You look fine. Smell fine, too.” Wink wink.

Mona got in, sitting backwards into the seat. “When’s the last time you saw me “hop” inta anything?”

“Thought I might get a smile for that, Hon.”

“Ya did, huh? Okay, I’m smilin’, now where we goin?”

“Well, I been doin’ a lot of thinkin while you was in thuh tub, which, by the way, was so long, I coulda written a book, but what I did was, I had a bunch of ideas.”

“Ya don’t say. What kind of ideas?

“On second thought, I think I’ll save ‘em for later. For now, I’ll jes keep you guessin.”

“Not goin’ to tell me, huh? You’re full of the devil, you know it?

“Gotta stay a step ahead of you, you know.”

“Yeah. You think.?”

“I do, indeed. And… we’re almost there. Get ready for the big surprise.”

“Haven’t got a clue, you rascal. Oh! Wait a minute. Wait…a… minute. Are you takin’ me to that appliance store, Charlie? You gonna buy me a new stove?”

“Whatever gave you that idea?  I want to show you, um, my new grill.”

“Charlie, when you ‘um,’ I know you’re full of you know what.”

“Well, ‘round this corner. Here we are.”

“You are! You are gonna get me a new stove!”

“Thought I might, seein as how you are the champion turkey buzzard catcher of all time.”

“Ooo, you sweet talkin’ devil!”

“That’s me. Now come on, let’s get this over with.”

“You don’t sound too eager, Charlie. Can we afford this?”

“Yes, ma’am. We can. Wouldn’t do it if we couldn’t.”

“I can’t believe how excited I am over a stove. Maybe I shoulda said I’d hold that stinky bird if you’d take me to Italy for a vacation.”

“Crazy lady! Good thing you didn’t. Okay, in we go.”

                                                             ~ ~ ~

“Well, Hon, I have to say you sure surprised me. I thought you’d pick the fanciest one in the store jes to get back at me. Thank you for bein’ reasonable.”

“Whattaya mean? I’m always reasonable, and I want you to know, mister, that I’m real pleased. You did a very nice thing and I thank ya.” SMACK!

“A kiss? Well, now, thet reminds me of one of the other ideas I told ya I had.”

“Oh, is that so? Well, as it happens, I have an idea, myself.”

“You? Had an idea? Wonders will never cease.”

“I’ll wonder you, you old coot. Now. My idea. Let’s go home, and I’ll fix us a real good supper while you watch the football game, yeah, I thought you’d like that, and then afterwards, lets’ us take a nice romantic walk in the cool night air. I love the evenin’s in the fall. That suit you?”

“Romantic walk, huh? My goodness, Mrs. Foster, I’da bought you a new stove sooner, if I’da known it’d make you romantic.”

“Well, what about the walk after supper?”

“Depends on what we’re havin’. What’s for supper?”

 “Well, I thought I’d roast you a nice turkey.”

later-

"Um, that looks good! Smells good, too."

"Glad you think so. Go on and take yourself some."

“Wow! gravy and mashed potatoes, the works!”

"Sure thing."

"Wait a minute. You're smilin' like you do when you got somethin' up your sleeve..."

"This is my reg'lar smile."

"I don't know... this isn't that....you wouldn't ...?”

 "Ha ha ha Scared ya' there, for a minute didn't I, you old coot!"

"Ya sure did. Uh, ladies first..."