Poetry

Awakening

Thanks to Diane and Rachelle for this Dorsimbra format.

Rachel GoslingOctober 6, 202616 views

Bright golden rays stream through dark fir tree’s spikes,

My aching eyes are dazzled by the light,

Your silent, sleeping mound lies at my side,

In peaceful state since restless, sleepless night.

I stumble downstairs, half awake,

Yet, cunning keeps me quiet.

Stub my toe on the doorframe,

Bite my lip to stop my howl of pain.

The kettle rattles louder than a train,

Breaks kitchen’s silence with insistent din,

Black coffee’s balm soothes as I gaze outside,

Bright golden rays stream through dark fir tree’s spikes.

Reviews (2)

Rachelle Allen

10/6/2026

This is fantastic! You took to the form like the proverbial duck to water! I enjoyed this very much. xoxo

Rachel Gosling

10/6/2026

Thank you! It was a fun challenge.

Katharine Folkes

10/7/2026

Suggestions / Possible Tweaks

"Your silent, sleeping mound lies at my side," Rachel, I had to chuckle at your choice of words. Do you ever use the word, bod, for body? It's only one syllable and more flattering?

This is a very good poem in Dorsimbra format Bright golden rays stream through dark fir tree’s spikes, My aching eyes are dazzled by the light, Beautiful. That is lovely and makes me wonder if you have a view like that, how wonderful! I think this is a fascinating form of poetry. Your sort of aside: "Stub my toe on the doorframe, Bite my lip to stop my howl of pain." though painful, added that touch of humor in with the peaceful setting. And then the kitchen's noises, and calm of morning coffee. Picturesque and soothing. It all goes together smoothly even with different count in the middle.

Rachel Gosling

10/7/2026

Thank you. I don’t use ‘bod’ really. Maybe I should! I am very lucky to have a lovely view of trees from the back of my house. Next door has a tall fir tree and the sunlight shines through it beautifully. My own garden is full of trees and bushes and gives me huge pleasure.

Katharine Folkes

10/7/2026

It sounds lovely!