life overflows a five year olds fire
lies limp in repose, critically dire
"She fell off of the back of my truck!"
a father's deception crackling muck
blue of eye, absent tooth, summer skin
flying limbs she danced a fluttered win
fatal quad with his drunken delight
bottled courage her innocent plight
motored excitement with bumps and speed
into the forest limbs waive her need
father's advice be cautious, ignored
bounced off a boulder, deathly reward
plummeted down ravines rocky squeal
crushed between man and quads steering wheel
Aweful lie more important than child
protected friend, deception went wild
her blood ran rampant bloats her belly
death turns cold her breath runs smelly
police cuff father, friend in the dirt
the last thing she said, "Daddy it hurts"
5/26/2026
The Words That Got to Me
"blue of eye, absent tooth, summer skin" with a simple line, you humanise the child and give us a clear visual before the ensuing violence tears her apart. "bottled courage her innocent plight" A great line that feels emotionally authentic and visually satisfying "the last thing she said, "Daddy it hurts"" A final gut wrenching line that is fully earned by the poem's narrative.
Suggestions / Possible Tweaks
“‘lies limp in repose, critically dire’ — the semantic overlap between ‘critical’ and ‘dire’ makes the phrasing feel slightly forced to accommodate the rhyme. In darker poetry, simpler language often lands with greater force. ‘flying limbs she danced a fluttered win’ — I had to reread this line several times and still found the meaning somewhat unclear. It seems caught between conveying carefree playfulness and the violent loss of bodily control during the accident. A few other moments throughout the poem also rely on unusual word pairings or constructions that feel chosen more for poetic resonance or rhyme than for clarity and natural flow. Technical glitch: Aweful should be Awful
I greatly enjoyed this poem, Tonin. I felt that your poem carries real emotional weight, and several images lingered long after reading. The child’s innocence contrasts powerfully with the deception and recklessness surrounding her. With some refinement to wording and flow in a few sections, this could become an even more devastating and memorable piece.